2020 is finally over. Thank the universe! Here we are in 2021 and it’s, well, the same as 2020 at least for now. Let’s hope for and strive to effect change in the world in 2021. An end to the pandemic is much needed for the physical and mental health of us all.

In light of the atrocities brought on by the COVID pandemic, I feel sheepish admitting that 2020 was pretty damn fantastic in terms of my bipolar. It was definitely a bad year, a fucking HORRIBLE year, but my bipolar kicked ass in spite of my poor eating habits and mostly failed attempts to manage stress.

2020 Year in Review

January

Whole lotta nothin’. Rest up, buttercup! For tracking purposes, my last bipolar symptom was some minor mania in Sept 2019.

February

• 2/18 Our basement renovation began. We had a major flood in the basement awhile back, and it has been unlivable since. This would be unimportant to note except COVID is coming—the basement will be in demand soon.
• 2/22 I got the flu. Or was it COVID? Who knows. My flu test was negative, but it’s only 60% accurate. I have never been so sick in my life. I got a flu shot, so the doctor tells me I would have gotten it worse if I hadn’t, but that doesn’t seem possible. After 5 days, I’m somewhat better but still a mess. I went back to work because I missed so many days already. It was too soon. The brain fog was brutal. I felt rundown for another couple weeks.

March

COVID PANDEMIC HIT PA (just as I started to feel better from the flu)

• 3/12 Nonessential businesses urged to close where we live in Allegheny county.
• 3/13 PA schools closed. Since I work from home, nothing changed in terms of work. Start of Pearson and Bryan being home.
• 3/25 My daughter Pearson’s 4th birthday. Gymsport party with all her friends cancelled. Idea of drive-by parades of friends not yet invented or at least not conjured up by me. Sorry, Pears. We FaceTimed in the grandparents to sing Happy Birthday and called it a day.
• I started stress eating in earnest. It’s as if I’m competitively eating chocolate chip cookies against myself. I’m losing.

April

• PA schools reopened but must be online until end of the school year. Bryan must teach from home.
  
• Pearson’s Montessori school remained closed. Bryan’s schedule allowed for more wrangling of the kid, but I pitched in too.

May & June

July

• Pearson’s school reopened. We send her back for a week before our anxiety gets the best of us and we pulled her back out. Luckily Bryan was on summer break and is a model father so I worked mostly uninterrupted.
• I started working on Our Bipolar!!! I’d been toying with starting a blog since publicly revealing my bipolar I diagnosis on Facebook in Oct 2019. Work was ongoing until the blog launch in Oct.

August

• I found my dream home, but we lost the bidding war. There were 4 other offers, and the all-cash offer won. Apparently we’re next in line if the deal falls through, and there’s a chance it might! We’re strung along until December, when we find out we officially didn’t get the house. Fucking fuck FUCK! Congratulations, 2020. It seemed impossible, but you found a way to make the year worse.
• I started intermittent fasting. For those interested, I did 16:8 (8-hour eating window and fasted for 16 hours) and built up to 19:5 until mid November, with no weight loss or perceived health benefits. I never adjusted and was starving everyday until my eating window. Seriously, fuck me.
• Bryan returned to the classroom. Since Pearson was still out of school due to our COVID anxiety, I officially needed help. My parents stepped in to be with Pearson while I worked other than Tues and Wed, when my dad worked (my mom couldn’t watch her alone because of shoulder issue). I took off every Tues and Wed for the next 6 weeks.
• I turned down completing training to be a NAMI In Our Own Voice presenter. There was a lot going on between Bryan going back to teaching and my mom’s upcoming surgery. I still wanted to do it but said no to protect my mental health.

September

• 9/14 My mom had shoulder replacement surgery after a failed shoulder repair surgery in 2019. I took a week off of work to help.
• I started to worry that I might slip into depression based on how I was feeling. I really wanted to make it to October to mark a year without bipolar symptoms. I somehow powered through.

October

• I made it a full year without bipolar symptoms! A major feat, since I normally had minor symptoms every 2 or 3 months.
• I turned 41, which marked the 1-year anniversary of publicly revealing my bipolar I diagnosis on Facebook.
• Pearson returned to school. It became too hard for my parents to take care of her since my mom was recovering from surgery.
• 10/20 Our Bipolar launched!!! I love writing new posts each week and sharing my thoughts and stories. I am thrilled that people are finally getting to know the real me. Reducing the stigma of mental illness is my overall goal.
• 10/21 Bryan tested positive for COVID. Yep, the very next day after the blog launched. He was asympomatic for the duration. Bryan isolated in the recently renovated basement. Pearson stopped attending school to quarantine. P and I started our 24-day quarantine (10 days while Bryan was infected, since he isolated but was still in the house, and then we started the 14-day quarantine). I kept working, while Pearson put in serious time on her iPad. There were zero options.

November (sucked)

• 11/7 My childhood trauma was triggered by a newspaper article. This was uncharted territory. I had almost constant flashbacks, but even worse, I couldn’t stop imagining similar or worse things happening to my daughter and children all over the world. I hid it from Bryan for a few days until I realized it wasn’t lessening. I cried almost daily. It was torture.
• 11/14 Quarantine for me and P finally ended.
  
• 11/16 Our dog Brontë had surgery to remove a malignant tumor. I took care of him since I work from home.
  
• 11/18-11/26 I did 3 sessions of EMDR therapy to deal with my childhood trauma, and it worked! The flashbacks ended. The final session was on Thanksgiving day, which couldn’t have been more fitting.
• I had undeniable depression for about a week. Not surprising. I know a week is nothing, but I was hoping to remain symptom-free.

December

• I had vivid, awful nightmares before Christmas as a side effect of my Seroquel being increased. The depression in November caused sleeplessness, so I needed the Seroquel to sleep.
• We found out we definitely weren’t getting my dream home.
• I failed at yet another migraine med. Silver lining—I am now eligible to try Botox. Approval by insurance and pharmacy takes 2 months.

Goals for 2021

• Stay bipolar symptom-free

-To do this, I have to take good care of myself, see my psychiatrist regularly, and hope for the best—a lot of it is out of my hands. Work, brain, work!

• Keep improving Our Bipolar

-I want to write engaging blogs, do more vlogs, publish guest blog posts (some are on the way!), keep building the Our Bipolar online community, and work on improving the website.

• Complete my training to be a NAMI In Our Own Voice presenter and start giving presentations in my community about my experience with having bipolar.