For most of the last two decades that I’ve lived with bipolar, a high degree of secrecy was involved. In 2019, I went public with having bipolar, but before that, I was very selective with who I told. Not only did I not want every person to know this information, but back then it was much more difficult for me to share it. I was ashamed of having bipolar back then and wanted to pretend I was “normal.” If I was to open up and tell someone, I had to find the right time: I had to be alone with them one-on-one and in a place that provided a great deal of privacy. Another issue was the worry that the stress of opening up about my bipolar would cause bipolar symptoms. That meant if I was already having symptoms of any kind or even just feeling a bit off, I had to abort the mission. An important point: I don’t have a single horror story related to telling someone about my bipolar.

All that said, this is how I handled telling people who I felt deserved this window into my very private bipolar life.

Family Members

I haven’t had to tell any family members on my side. My parents were with me when I was diagnosed with bipolar I, or so I’ve been told. At that time I was still in the throes of my first manic episode and under heavy sedation, so my memories are hazy. My parents shared my diagnosis with my siblings (again, this must’ve happened but no recollection), and I do remember my mom telling me that she told our small extended family. I never knew exactly what my mom shared until last year when I went public in all my bipolar glory on Facebook. Soon after one of my cousins told me she and the rest of my extended family never knew anything more than my diagnosis. They didn’t know what happened at college that caused me to be diagnosed or anything really until I shared those Facebook posts last year. Unsurprisingly, they were shocked and saddened to hear about some of my experiences. I’m sure my parents were trying to protect my privacy, and I never had a clue as to what my extended family knew. They didn’t ask questions, and I never asked what they knew or if they wanted to know anything more. Again, I was pretending my life was bipolar-free, so of course I didn’t bring up my diagnosis. I couldn’t feel more differently now. I am so happy that I shared my story last year and was able to fill in the blanks for people I love so much.

As for Bryan’s family, I did tell my mother-in-law prior to announcing that I had bipolar on Facebook last year. I didn’t want her to find out on Facebook. I would have told her long before if we still lived close by, since I think it’s only right to tell people in person if at all possible.

People I’ve Dated/Boyfriends

First of all, let’s be clear: I would never have allowed a relationship to progress to boyfriend-girlfriend status without telling the person I was dating that I have bipolar disorder. To me, that’s just wrong, a classic bait-and-switch. If it looked like our relationship was going to get serious, I would decide if/when the person should know. There was the guy I told on the third date (the soonest I told anyone—my now husband), and the guys that I dated for a while and never told anything.

Friends

I have never told a brand new friend that I have bipolar. Each instance of telling a friend has happened in a very different way.

Telling friends ends up being either entirely planned out or completely spur of the moment. The planned out strategy involves more anxiety from the build up but is usually smoother in the end. When planned, I have always thought of telling a friend about my bipolar as a special gift that I give to the select few who have proven they deserve it. The spur of the moment strategy isn’t a strategy at all and usually happens when I’m telling a friend a story about my life, which ends up necessitating an explanation that I have bipolar. Sometimes I haven’t thought far enough ahead to realize that a story will lead to my past abnormal behavior, so when I arrive at those crossroads, I have to make a decision. Do I lie or tell the truth? On the couple occasions when this has happened, I stumbled over my words before finally telling the truth. I don’t like to carry lies around with me. Even a small one weighs me down. Both times this happened, I had been at the point where I didn’t mind if the person knew.

Work Colleagues

“Colleagues” sounds so posh and grown up, doesn’t it? The decision to tell work colleagues is really tricky. For me, there’s always that worry that if you tell a colleague who’s a friend, then this very personal information could get spread around the department (uncool) and maybe get back to your superiors (very uncool). The higher ups at my work truly are great people, but there’s still that very small speck of worry that if they know you have bipolar they will might use it against you. Hypothetically, say you make a mistake on a project, but now it’s somehow because you have bipolar and not just because you’re human and make mistakes like everyone else. Food for thought.

About 10 years ago, I told a couple coworkers about my diagnosis. Both were close friends who worked in my department, although I did not work with them directly. I don’t think I ever said not to share my diagnosis around the office or otherwise, although I might have? I assume that people know to keep something like this close to the vest—probably a poor assumption on my part. It’s possible that other coworkers whom I did not bring into my circle of trust were told about my bipolar diagnosis before last year when I announced it to the world (well, to my Facebook friends—same thing). At this point it doesn’t matter and I’ll probably never know, but it’s something to keep in mind.

Since my announcement, lots of my colleagues know, and I like it. It’s freeing, like they finally know the real me. I don’t know if the heads of my department know since we’re not Facebook friends, but they might. That’s what happens when one goes public, and I accepted that before professing my bipolardom.

Right before my announcement, I did share my diagnosis with the two colleagues who were on my team with me. We worked together for years and I counted them as friends, so I didn’t feel it was right for them to find out on social media. We all live in different states so it was done over the phone, and although I was very nervous, each of them was accepting and very kind, as expected.

Do you have a mental health diagnosis or other issue that you only share with some people (no need to share the issue)? How do you choose who deserves this private info? Leave a reply in the Comments below!