Do you ever wonder whether your persona is really you, or whether it’s actually the result of the medications you’re taking? I think of that quite often. Are you wondering why, or not really captivated at all by the question? Even if you’re not, I’m going to tell you because I think this might be important for a lot of us.

Let’s be honest. If you’re bipolar, medication is an inevitable partner in your life. It helps regulate your mental health, moods, and behaviors. But, are you married to the meds? Are you only “half” a person without them? Are they so in control that they make you who you are? Or are you and your personality authentic and independent from the medications?

I’m certainly not advocating not taking medications. If anything, I will be the first person to say that medication is essential to successful management of bipolar disorder and many other mental health disorders. In fact, I could win a contest for being the bipolar disorder poster child for taking medication loyally and faithfully. You can try to compete but it’s going to be a tough contest!

When I was diagnosed 27 years ago, I should have been diagnosed 20 years prior to that. So, anyone who had been living within my orbit had been living in Crazy Town for a very long time. Hence, when I was first prescribed lithium, I fell upon it like manna from heaven – only to be gravely disappointed when it didn’t work – and, yet again, when Depakote didn’t work. And, then again, when one after another after another after another medication didn’t work. Yes, if there is a medication on the market out there that treats bipolar disorder and it has a name, I have either tried it or am taking it now.

I take a lot of medication. A lot. There are meds to treat mania, depression, and anxiety. There are meds to fall asleep and others to stay asleep. In all, I take eight different medications that add up to fifteen pills a day. Maybe I’m naïve, or I’ve been isolated from talking with other people like myself, but that sounds like a lot of medication. Yet it has taken many years to come up with that combination of medications that works so beautifully in my brain. My doctor is amazing and, after having been together for so many years, we work together if questions arise as to whether or not a medication needs to be changed or adjusted. And we work especially well together to try and fend off or mitigate an oncoming or ongoing episode if and when the occasion arises.

So, why am I discussing medications as some type of potentially problematic issue, when: I believe they must be taken; I believe they must be taken religiously as prescribed; I believe they can have amazing results in managing bipolar disorder; and, they have had a miraculous effect on the course of my illness. Contrary to what some people might think, medications don’t turn us into non-functioning zombies. If they did, they would not be working properly.  And, believe me, I am no zombie!

I’m very proud of how far I’ve come after all these decades of very hard work. I’m sure – I hope! – there are many of you out there who feel the same about yourselves. If not yet, don’t stop advocating for yourself because, believe me, there is light at the end of the tunnel if you do!  

My personality and behaviors have improved a thousandfold over what they were fifteen years ago. No one is afraid of me anymore. No one cringes if they see a certain look in my eyes. No one is afraid to be out in public with me. My husband is still afraid to open the credit card statements, though. If I feel or suspect that an episode is coming on, the first thing I do is see my psychiatrist to try to catch it on time. Sometimes it will blindside me, but I have a pretty good success rate at catching it early. The most serious symptom I continue to deal with when my guard is down is over spending.          

I’m sure you’ve all gotten the same “basic training” about managing your bipolar disorder: healthy sleep-wake cycle; maintain a healthy diet and avoid junk food; see your doctors regularly; avoid toxic people and situations; get exercise; try yoga and meditation; spend time doing things you enjoy doing; do all things in moderation; try to watch for and analyze triggers/try to work on symptoms brought on by triggers (cause and effect); and, more than anything, take medication on time, every time.

And so, I do them all, including – most importantly – taking my medication on time, every time. I just wonder what would happen if I didn’t take those 15 pills every night but continued doing everything else I do that’s so good for me. Would I lose the person I am now? The one who is so calm, accepting, thoughtful, and kind. The woman who is the most Zen person in the room. Would she melt away? Am I married to the medications? Without them, would I be one half of who I am now? Would I turn into a monster again?

Note: Take your medications!