What Should I Be When I Grow Up?

Ever since I was a kid, I could never supply a consistent answer when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. My first answer was an artist, which was based solely on my love for creating artwork at a kindergarten level. I was a good artist by kindergarten standards, but alas, art was not going to be my calling. The next career I desperately wished for was to be an actor, but those hopes were dashed when I wasn’t given a speaking role in the school play in third grade. Later on, as I started college, I thought I knew what I wanted to be, but it turned out that being a psychiatrist required way too much schooling and work for my liking. Moreover, being a psychiatrist didn’t seem like a good fit once I was diagnosed with bipolar I. I thought my illness would be constantly triggered by treating others with mental illnesses.

Leaving Pitt and Starting at W&J after a Semester Off

Instead of trying to choose another career, I realized I had to let my bipolar do the picking. Honestly, if I hadn’t transferred from the University of Pittsburgh to Washington & Jefferson College solely due to being diagnosed with bipolar and needing to live at home with my parents, I doubt that I would’ve ended up with an English degree. During my first semester at W&J, I took basic requirements since I didn’t know which major I would eventually choose. Going back to college was the important thing. I was starting at W&J after a semester off, which was supposed to be a year off (and probably should have been). After somewhat getting my shit together (that’s a technical phrase), I knew deep down that I had to get back in college and try to move forward with my life as planned.

An English Major Turned Out To Be Perfect

That first semester at W&J, I took Introduction to Literature with Mr. Thorpe and fell in love with all things lit. I had always adored reading but never analyzed texts before, and Thorpe was a master. To be honest, I felt like an English major was something I could manage alongside my illness, which cycled between mania and depression quite often despite my best efforts. For most of my classes I had to read novels or shorter works, most of which I enjoyed immensely, instead of having to pore over textbooks. I managed pretty OK and even graduated with honors, most likely because my English major was well suited for my illness.

Before I declared an English major, I looked into careers that could be facilitated by an English degree. Those that piqued my interest included law, public relations, editing, and teaching, but I wasn’t going to decide on a career as a sophomore, not with my career-picking history. I figured that one of those would work based on my personality and limitations.

Being a Production Editor Is Bipolar Friendly

Today, I’m the production editor for a well-respected peer-reviewed journal. I have worked at the organization that publishes my journal for 12 years. I doubt that my colleagues ever suspected that I had an illness like bipolar disorder, although I have told some of them about my diagnosis by now. My work is mostly predictable, with steady hours and rolling deadlines, which is ideal for my illness. In addition, most of my work can be done on a computer rather than face to face or over the phone, which keeps my anxiety low. My career is varied enough to be challenging at times and requires juggling many tasks, so I don’t get bored. It’s a really good fit for me.

I never gave up on the idea that I would have a career someday and even a successful one. Although there are many people with bipolar and other serious mental illnesses who truly cannot work and must live on disability, I never for one second saw that happening for myself. I desperately wanted to move forward with my life, and that included graduating from college and starting a career, just like the rest of my college-going peers.

A Fighting Spirit

I think having that fight and determination within after being diagnosed with a mental illness like bipolar is paramount. When I had to drop out of Pitt because I could not get a handle on my illness, I doubted myself briefly. Of course I did. I had to adjust to a huge life change. However, once the stress of school was lifted and I started feeling a little better, I immediately went back to the part-time job I had over the summer. I had to be doing something and not just whiling away the hours at home while avoiding phone calls from my friends and feeling sorry for myself. I did do those things, but I couldn’t allow that to be all I did. I instinctively knew I had to fight. It’s why I started full time at W&J after taking off just one semester. If I wanted my life back, or something close to it, I had to get back on track and try to achieve some semblance of the life I intended to live. I believed in myself, and I believed that I could still be successful. I got knocked down many times and still do here and there, but my fighting spirit is what kept me going.

Other Careers I Dismissed Due to Bipolar

To give you more of an idea of how bipolar limited my career prospects, here are some other professions I considered but struck down due to my illness:

• Lawyer: long hours; possible lapses in judgment due to bipolar
• Doctor: long and unpredictable hours; lengthy schooling/training; possible lapses in judgment due to bipolar
• College professor: stress to publish on top of teaching
• Host of a TV morning show (don’t laugh—OK, go ahead): fear of mania or depression being obvious in how I looked/acted on screen
• Any career with long, overnight, or unpredictable hours; high stress; frequent travel; being up in front of people often, leaving me unable to hide bipolar symptoms