Hello, From a Formerly Average Person

I lived 38 years solidly on the side of average or maybe what people call “normal,” though I happen to think there is no such thing. I only had medical appointments for routine check-ups and saw a therapist a few times when I felt a lot of stress applying to colleges.

But in 2020 I was diagnosed with breast cancer—a particularly awful type, Triple Negative, one with one of the worst outcomes. I promptly went through a whirlwind of tests and scans. I had a port put in to make chemo easier. This was all within two weeks of diagnosis. Then chemo (which my cancer did not appear to respond to), then a single mastectomy, then different chemo, then radiation.

That all sounds like really difficult stuff and it was to a degree. But it was a lot of just dealing and getting through it, and knowing I was doing everything I could, which was a comfort in hindsight. What ended up being a surprise despite some warnings I may have unintentionally dismissed was the intense anxiety and stress that came post-treatment.

Oh, Ok, So This Is What True Anxiety Is

I have felt anxiety before, but just little moments and things that I could deal with through deep breathing or distractions. In cancer land there is even a thing called “scan-xiety” that many people face while waiting for results from a scan (but I didn’t really experience that to any great degree either). I have friends who are affected by anxiety and I’ve mistakenly asked, “Have you tried meditating?” Don’t get me wrong, I think meditation is a great technique for anxiety and I do use it, but it no longer has the same calming affect with this type of anxiety.

My overall experience with this type of anxiety is the feeling of a live wire. I feel a sense of buzzing, a sense of always “on,” never settled or fully relaxed. Worry, stress, and tension all jumbled up to try to explain what anxiety feels like.

It isn’t a sense of something I can exactly pinpoint to tackle, it is just there, coursing through me all the time. And my control of that feeling is minimal with the tools I know and have.

The root of this type of anxiety is actually life and death. Not just, “Oh, shoot, I really need to get this work done” kind of regular anxiety. Being done with cancer treatment should be a relief, something worth celebrating, but instead what a lot of cancer patients experience is worry and dread now that we are no longer being monitored as frequently as we were since diagnosis.

After graduating from active treatment, if the cancer comes back I am now the main thing monitoring any little ache or pain or unusual occurrence that could mean the cancer has returned. That’s actually pretty terrifying for me as someone who hasn’t needed a lot of medical attention before the past year, someone who might not know how to do that kind of personal monitoring. It definitely feels like the deep end of the cancer swimming pool.

Holiday Dread

With this kind of anxiety and worry I find that holidays and annual momentous events intensely amp up my anxiety. I intensely worry that any of these holidays or birthdays will be my last. And with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday all in successive months right after finishing active treatment, I was living with intense anxiety for months. Getting upset when my fiancé took the Christmas tree down while I was out (he was obviously trying to be helpful by doing that chore but instead I just felt sad that it could be the last time I had a Christmas tree up) was unexpected for us both.

Anxiety shows up some really unexpected ways and some expected ways. My birthday was the worst of it. I worried it would be my last and I was unable to celebrate with friends or family in person due to the pandemic. I developed days-long headaches, slept poorly, was irritable, irrational, weepy, forgetful, preoccupied, just very much not like my usual self. All of which added to the anxiety instead of being any kind of relief. Headaches in particular are a sign of cancer spreading so having them for days at a time is a genuine terror.

How I Cope

I cope with all this new anxiety a number of different ways. I still do some deep breathing exercises and mediation occasionally, but I also started working out again and adjusted my diet. I rely on friends and family as an outlet to talk about my worries and they know not to give me canned, overly cheery responses. I reached out to my medical team about the headaches and anxiety and was scheduled for an MRI and referred to a psychologist familiar with cancer patients. Unfortunately, I have left a couple voicemails and still have not heard back so I don’t have any progress with professional therapeutic help yet at the time of writing this. But I keep busy, keep my mind busy, and try to do all the things my medical team suggests and that seems to work for me as best as anything can. I even tried some CBD-only products and found some emotional relief but they make my mind a little fuzzy and that trade-off isn’t usually something worthwhile to me right now.

I don’t have any answers, really. I am just doing my best with this new normal. But I truly appreciate the struggles of other people dealing with their own mental or emotional burdens in a new way. The mind and body is such a fascinating thing that can do terrible and wonderful things. The strength I’ve seen in friends with long-term mental and emotional diagnoses is a very helpful horizon to focus on. My mental and emotional burdens have a very clear cause and a fairly predictive pattern. I consider myself lucky in that regard as I can manage this a lot on my own (though hopefully I will also connect with a professional to tackle this new anxiety with some aid I’m not equipped with myself). Other than self care I practice a lot of kindness toward myself and others (and apologize when my irritability gets the better of me).

I’m still navigating this stage of diagnosis and doing a lot of reading, research, joining various support groups – anything that can give me answers or solutions. And I take a lot of breaks from doing that as well because as much as I want to be knowledgeable about anxiety and cancer, research into those areas can drum up more anxiety. I really hope to hit a point where I am beyond this anxiety but there is a chance that point may never come. If that’s the case I at least know I’ve done my best, and for me that is a sense of relief in itself.

Do you have questions for Megan? Leave a Comment!